Dick Cheney is a BITCH

Des Moines, IA– Former Lieutenant John Kerry was reunited today with his long lost twin brother, Lumiere from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Kerry and Lumiere have not seen each other since 1969, that was the year Lumiere was turned into an enchanted candlestick.

Lumiere, now a retired actor living in Anaheim, California, flew to Iowa this morning to meet with Kerry.

Kerry Campaign spokesperson Stephanie Cutter issued the following statement: "John and Lumiere Kerry were delighted to be reunited after so many years. The family resemblance is striking, even considering that Lumiere still has not recovered from being turned into a candle."